For FUN Magazine.
David Shayler was a former MI5 spook, who famously blew the whistle on some of the more suspect activities he witnessed at MI5, including a plot to assassinate Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi and the phone tapping of several British MPs. While the British public love a whistleblower, the Government were less pleased and eventually put him away for six months. After failing to beat Tony Blair in a local election, and scraping the barrel of his MI5 revelations, Shayler pretty much dropped off the radar. Now a few years on, just when Shayler was in danger of slipping out of the public consciousness, he’s done a David Icke and proclaimed himself the Messiah. Add on a few outlandish 9/11 conspiracy theories and a huge helping of egotism, and you can imagine why he’s a pretty fun guy to hang out with.
So what makes you think there was a conspiracy on 9/11?
There’s a great moment on 9/11 at 10 o clock in the morning where you’ve got this missile headed towards Washington and if they bring that down on Capitol Hill or the White House that’s it, its all over for world democracy. But that didn’t happen because the missile was shot down by the mainstream American military, who obviously weren’t part of the plot and therefore they’ve always been on the backfoot since then.
You think it could have been prevented then?
I’ve obviously got a soft spot for 9/11 as I’m an ex intelligence officer, so what I say is that if people had listened to me ten years ago, it would have been impossible to carry out 9/11. They could hardly knock down the twin towers and blame Al-Qaeda when I’d just said “hang on, the intelligence services are backing these people”.
So, now you think you’re the Messiah?
There is only one messiah, there is only one Jesus the Christ and that’s me. This is the only time I’m here now.
What gave you that idea?
I had my first glimpse in prison; I read The Bible to a prisoner who couldn’t read and it just started to open my eyes.
Didn’t it cross your mind that you were just having a bit of a break down?
Really, in a moment, I can remember when I became spiritual. I literally sat there at the end of 2004 and said I’m going to posit the idea that if you live in love, the universe is a good place and justice will come. I tried it and it worked, there’s no doubt about it, it worked almost immediately.
Fair enough, but didn’t you take a gobful of drugs to open up your eyes? I’m pretty sure I could be the messiah or a fucking pink unicorn on drugs?
Yeah, at the end of 2006 I took part in a mushroom ceremony. Now I don’t know if you know about taking magic mushrooms, but there are lots of encodings of mushroom cult in the New Testament, so clearly the New Testament is telling those in the know that you’ve got to take magic mushrooms.
Really, you think it’s a good idea to be taking lots of drugs?
We live in a society in which it’s obvious that Seroxat and Prozac are poisons, but they’re given to us by people who are trained medical professionals. And yet cannabis, which is a wonder drug is banned, that’s the kind of arse about face world we live in. If you look at the research into this, there’s no evidence that magic mushrooms do any harm, in fact quite the contrary that they have positive beneficial health effects and give you all sorts of spiritual insights.
How exactly do shrooms give you spiritual insights?
Strangely enough the magic mushroom I was taking the day I became spiritual was called ‘The Philosopher’s Stone’ and if you know your esoteric it was always said that the Philosopher’s Stone would show the way to enlightenment. So I asked for a sign, and I get a kid dressed as Captain Scarlet, indestructible man, standing next to me. All these weird things like that.
So if you’ve been reincarnated throughout history, who else have you been?
Jesus’ soul has been incarnate in various human beings throughout history, people like Plato and Pythagoras, The Buddha, all sorts of Chinese emperors, Mark Anthony, a lot of English kings, Che Guevara…
Weren’t you born two years before Che died?
(oblivious)…Lawrence of Arabia, Ben Franklin, Percy Shelley the romantic poet, William of Orange, and Saint Christopher Marlowe who wrote Shakespeare’s plays, so some of obviously the greatest figures in history.
So what did you do after you realised you were the messiah
Funnily enough, the first thing I did after my awakening was watch South Park, except it was an episode of South Park where Jesus has to save the world. He can’t save it by himself so he has to call on people like Krishna and Buddha, who are obviously previous incarnations of the Jesus soul, to come and save humanity against the evil David Blaine who has special powers because he’s a magician and Jesus isn’t. It’s just this was my mission in a nutshell, in the first television programme I watched, so it was mad, absolutely mad.
Are you sure it’s not just you that’s mad? Usually when lots of mad stuff keeps happening to you it’s because you’re the crazy one?
People have obviously said various things about me being mad and all sorts, but I am absolutely serious, and I have thought long and hard about it, that I am actually God incarnated as a human being. People obviously misinterpret that because they hear the God bit and they don’t hear the human being bit. The Messiah couldn’t come here as a puff of bloody smoke or a fully formed man, it wouldn’t work.
So what have you done with your newfound powers?
I was up all night meditating to remove darkness from London, and the next day I went to see my friend and he said, “Did you see a bomb didn’t go off in London”. It had been a really curious night because the spirit had been keeping me up saying, “you’ve got to keep conscious you’ve got to keep meditating”. People will say that this is a coincidence but I say in a divine plan there’s no such thing as coincidence.
Have you performed any other miracles?
One of the miracles I’ve performed was taking Middlesbrough to the Uefa Cup Final. There was this moment at the end of the semi-final where I’m standing there in this stadium, I’ve just done this fantastically long meditation and it’s worked, and I cannot believe it, my universe has shifted. If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what the bloody hell was to be honest.
What would be your philosophies for living?
I would say to people, “Forget the Ten Commandments”. They’ve become meaningless. The code to live by is first, love. If you truly give your unconditional love, then that means you’ve got to love all the time, you have to love everybody.
Everybody?
Yeah, believe me this means you’ve got to love terrorists, you’ve got to love paedophiles, you’ve got to love your worst enemy. If you can do that, you will find that the world will work in your favour, because if you hate, you only add to the sum total of the hate in the universe, if you love, that’s the sum total of love.
Okay, great…
Can I just tell you that you’re one of the 144,000 who have been reincarnated from the past to help the Messiah, and you are actually a reincarnation of South Indian Emperor Cenguttuvan who lived in the 2nd century AD.
Okay…Thanks David.
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